Revealed – Australia's secret weapon

I can't go any further with this blog without dealing with the main matter at hand. Yes, the fact that it could be a little bit chilly back home is just a convenient smokescreen – really I am going to Australia to watch the cricket. In fact, I hope I am going to witness England win the Ashes. Away from home. Which hasn't actually happened for 24 years. Several species of pig may well have soared through the skies in the meantime. As they say in these parts: die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt (literally: hope dies last).

But first I need to come clean on the effect my support (and that of my children Annabel and Simon) tends to have on the fortunes of my favourite sports teams. This will surely give Australia the boost they need ahead of the start of the Ashes series on Thursday.

I admit the sample size is small (one football team, two games).  The choice of team to which we pledge our allegiance could possibly be seen as misguided (Charlton Athletic) - except by me of course (the kids are somewhat less convinced). Yet no-one can deny the catastrophic impact our presence in the stadium has on the fortunes of our team.

November 2008: The temperature in London may have been minus five but my naïve heart was warmed by the prospect of taking the kids to their first ever match at The Valley.  When our brave boys found themselves 1-5 down shortly after half time, I had the first inkling it wasn't going well. Indeed, 20,000 other folk around us appeared wholly convinced of this fact. My kids learned some new and unusual Anglo-Saxon expressions. The manager got the sack. Even the away supporters cringed with embarrassment. But apart from all that, it was a thoroughly enjoyable day out and at least the kids saw lots of goals. In our team's net.

October 2010: Two years older and wiser, we decided to repeat the experiment. Surely it couldn't be quite as grim again. After all, our team had already been relegated twice in three seasons. Alas and alack, we proceeded to witness a 0-4 drubbing at the mighty hand of Brighton & Hove Albion. In the third division (cunningly rebranded "League One" to lend it an aura of respectability). This was the comfortably the worst defeat since... since… well, since the last time we were there of course.

So, be warned England. Ian Botham and Freddie Flintoff may think we are going to win this time. But they haven't reckoned with Burton sneaking into the stands to cheer the lads on.  

Looking on the bright side, we may have a chance in the First Test. I don't arrive until it's over.