Back to life, back to reality

With February fast approaching, I am calling time on my blog with this final post.

In terms of the overall trip, I had an absolute ball and returned to work three weeks ago with a real spring in my step. Given the backlog of work awaiting me, this lasted for at least 48 hours.

Jayne, Annabel and Simon also enjoyed their three weeks down under - even the cricket-related bits (especially the Barmy Army songs). The trips that I did not report on in any detail – Penguin Island, Rottnest Island and Fremantle near Perth, the Great Ocean Road and the Twelve Apostles near Melbourne (including an unforgettable helicopter ride), Bondi and Manly beaches, Featherdale Wildlife Park and the Blue Mountains near Sydney – were all superb. As was the hospitality of Steph & Paul in Perth and Andy & Carolyn in Sydney – it was great to catch up after so much time had passed (likewise with Sally and her family in Adelaide in the early days of my trip). Thanks everyone and we hope to see you again soon.

I really had little idea what to expect but it truly was a fantastic experience to meet so many fun people travelling with the Barmy Army, in particular Robby, Gabie, Rob, Steve, Adam and the many kind people sitting with us in Sydney who saved our seats on the final day when it seemed that every England fan in the ground wanted to sit in our block. It was also great fun to catch up with Jon and Shep and their mate John in Adelaide, though my liver would have struggled to maintain that pace for too long. And how could I forget the Indian Pacific train journey from Adelaide to Perth – everyone I met was great company and had some amazing life stories to tell over a glass of wine or five.

To Jayne I owe a very big thank you for letting me live the life of Riley while you stayed at home and looked after the kids, house, school, domestic chores, Christmas presents, etc. etc. (so what was any different to normal? you may well ask). I hope that coming out to Australia for the last three weeks somehow made it all worthwhile.

Finally, to all readers – I hope you enjoyed reading the blog over the last 8 weeks. I really appreciated all the feedback, whether positive or not, including the many comments received by email from those who couldn't work out how to post them on the site itself. You may even have given me sufficient encouragement to do this again at some point in the future. But for now – it’s over and out.

The great disappearing act

The Barmy Army...but where were the Aussies?

After my quite serious assessments of the England and Australia cricket teams, it's high time for a more tongue in cheek appraisal of their respective supporters.

The question everyone back home seems to be asking is: where did all the Aussie supporters go when their team was losing? I am told this was a major topic of debate on Sky's TV coverage, particularly with the knight of the realm formerly known as Beefy Botham. It's a question which deserves some sort of answer.

It is certainly true that many of the Aussie spectators spent the series perfecting a lost, bewildered look. Then they left early. On Boxing Day in Melbourne, admittedly the most one-sided day ever witnessed at an Ashes Test, this was very early indeed. "We can see you sneaking out" we sang, with relish. But actually we wished they would stick around longer, as it was never quite as much fun without them.

The reality is that Australian sports fans do not have much time for losers. This is partly cultural and partly because their national cricket team has been so successful for so long. A whole generation of Aussies has grown up supporting a team which has been nigh on invincible, surely the best team ever to walk the oval-shaped playing fields of the planet. This generation is currently in shock. The older generation, which lived through a decade of Australian under-achievement in the late 70's and 80's, is much more sanguine – some I met even seem pleased that the Ashes had become a real contest again (and the Ponting/Clarke regime had been taken down a peg or two).

Australians also struggle to relate to the ethos of the Barmy Army, which is not only to support your team through thick and thin – fully accepting that thin may dominate for long periods - but to have fun whatever the outcome.  In Australia, it seems that fun is only associated with winning.  Losing is for – well, losers. If you are losing, you may as well leave and do something useful – like mowing the lawn.

But what of those hardy souls who stayed? On every day of every Test, there was at least one Aussie who was so affronted by the presence of the Barmy Army that his only solace was to get completely drunk on mid-strength VB lager by early afternoon (however scientifically impossible that may seem). It was a different guy every day but the hairstyle never changed – a cross between the modern "walked through a wind tunnel on the way to the ground" and the more old-fashioned "dragged through a hedge backwards".  "You've had too many Milo's" we sang every time he and his hair stood up to have a pop.  "Another one bites the dust" played Billy every time he was removed by the local police.

In addition to the differing interpretation of the fun factor, what differentiated the respective supporters was the community nature of the England following.  The Barmy Army has songs, lots and lots of them, generally sung at the same time and almost in tune by groups of more than two people and accompanied by the brilliant Billy Cooper on the trumpet. The home supporters could not get beyond a couple of mates shouting "Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi". Unless you include the two numerate guys (it's rarely more than two) who like "counting backwards" in the hope of inducing a thrilling and original Mexican wave. Get organised, guys! Then maybe you too could have some fun when you're losing, just like England fans have been doing for the last 18 years since the Barmy Army was formed in conditions of sporting adversity. 

The positive vibes of the Barmy Army on this tour were the subject of some very favourable media comment. Maybe it was because England were winning this time round, or could it be that even the Aussies are getting a tiny bit envious of the motivational powers of England's "unofficial 12^th man".  Did anyone else notice Matt Prior signal the Army to direct some well-meaning chants in Ricky Ponting's direction in Melbourne? Shortly after, Punter was bowled. Another example – just before the end of Australia's victory in Perth, Mitchell Johnson made the massive mistake of directing the Army's attention to the scoreboard.  Thereafter he was targeted mercilessly ("He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right"), was clearly riled by the constant taunts and never looked like bowling so well again. Little things maybe, but I would argue that they negated any home advantage Australia expected to enjoy in this series.

Whatever the result, it was always fun to sit with the Barmy Army (or stand, as in Adelaide). The humour, the camaraderie, the songs – there's nothing remotely comparable in the world (football, in particular, does not come close).  I miss it already.

Australia at the crossroads

A couple of Apostles may add much-needed
stability to Australia's batting

Following a very positive assessment of England's capabilities, I turn now to Australia.

Defeated in an Ashes series at home for the first time since 1986/87, losing three Tests by the margin of an innings and widespread calls for a new start clearly do not make for a rosy picture for the home side. But to be beaten by this England side was in reality no disgrace and it could have turned out so differently if Australia had completed the win in Brisbane that had been teed up by their dominance of the first three days.

The main problem for the hosts was the terrible form of many of their top order batsmen. In particular Ponting and Clarke, on past form Australia's two best batsmen, hardly scored a run all series. Even Hussey and Haddin, the heaviest scorers in the first three Tests, were unable to make any mark on the decisive Melbourne and Sydney games. Other problems were the lack of penetration of the bowling (it is clear that Warne and McGrath have not been adequately replaced) and an almost complete loss of "mojo" - they simply lacked the belief and sheer bloody-mindedness of Aussie sides of the last 20 years.

Shane Watson: One of the successes of the series for Australia (if we conveniently ignore his catastrophic running between wickets). Very consistent, invariably got a start, also a very useful swing bowler. The curious thing about Watson is that, even when he is batting well, it is generally possible to predict when he will be out – either just before or after he reaches 50.

Simon Katich / Philip Hughes: Losing Katich to injury was a big blow for the Aussies, as this is a man who is very difficult to dislodge (unless run out without facing by Watson) and surely has some more good years to offer before retiring. Hughes was a huge disappointment and seemed to possess neither the technique nor temperament to thrive against a rampant England attack.

Ricky Ponting / Usman Khawaja: This series was a personal disaster for Punter, his third Ashes loss out of four as captain. Time and again he lost his wicket cheaply to catches behind the wicket, an astonishing loss of form by one of the greatest ever Test batsmen. Yet, captain or not, surely Ricky can do a job at number 5 or 6 for a few more years? His replacement in Sydney, Khawaja, was universally praised for his good technique and unflappable temperament – but didn't score many runs.

Michael Clarke: Unmitigated playing and PR disaster zone. He even managed to sour his one good innings (80 at Adelaide) by failing to "walk" after he had hit a catch off the middle of his bat. The publicity photo of Clarke striking a boxing pose with bare, tattoo-covered torso made me physically sick. Captain of Australia? You've got to be kidding.

Mike  Hussey: Where would Australia be without the Huss? I still can't believe he was almost dropped before the series started. The shining light for the home side in the first three Tests, with excellent hundreds in Brisbane and Perth, though faded under the weight of rescue responsibility in the final two matches.

Brad Haddin: Another success, Haddin impressed with both his wicketkeeping and batting. Also produced the shot of the series at Adelaide when he hit Anderson's leg side delivery for six over long leg. England just about worked him out by the end but not before he had scored a lot of runs.

Marcus North / Steve Smith: North was rightfully discarded after Adelaide as he never looked like scoring any runs against Swann. Apart from a slogged 50 when the match was already lost in Sydney, the young Smith didn't make much of an impression, as neither his batting nor his bowling seemed to be quite up to Test standard and you don't get picked just for enthusiastic fielding.

Mitchell Johnson: A man for whom the expressions "mercurial" or "frustratingly inconsistent" were invented, Johnson's bowling was either brilliant (Perth) or pretty poor (everywhere else). Strangely this also applies to his batting – he either gets 50 (occasionally) or nothing at all (normally). Now a real headache for the selectors as Johnson remains one of their few potential match-winners, yet most of the time he is a complete liability. What a dilemma (tee-hee).

Peter Siddle: One of the few Aussie bowlers to emerge with much credit from this series and he can bat a bit too. Produced two really good spells at Brisbane (including a hat-trick) and Melbourne, but needs to do this more consistently. Has the advantage of looking very scary when thundering in to bowl.

Ben Hilfenhaus: Tidy, economical – but didn't trouble England's batsmen and took no wickets to speak of. Incredible to think that Hilfenhaus took only five wickets in the first four Tests – and was still selected for Sydney. Surely will be the first man discarded after this series.

Ryan Harris / Doug Bollinger: Harris looked to be the pick of the Aussie quick bowlers before his freak injury at Melbourne. Bollinger can count himself unlucky to play only one match on a batting paradise at Adelaide but looked fiery for about three overs before it became clear he was still unfit after injury.

Xavier Doherty / Michael Beer: The (lack of) quality of Australia's spinners in this series shows how much they relied on Warne over a 15 year period. Neither Doherty nor Beer looked to be Test-class spinners, though Beer at least looked unflappable and may still come good after gaining more experience. Ignoring Nathan Hauritz was just bizarre – he may not be the best spinner in the world, but is surely the best Australia can offer at the moment.

Backroom/coaching/selection: Asleep at the wheel, surely they must take a huge share of the blame for the loss of mojo, which has been very careless after so much success in the last 20 years.

The above comments imply that Australia still have a decent nucleus of a side to build around – Watson, Katich, Ponting, Hussey, Haddin, Siddle, Harris, possibly Bollinger. Add Kwaraja and Hauritz to the mix and it begins to look more promising. But wait – what about Clarke and Johnson? In my view, they are currently part of the problem not the solution, so I would send them back to their State sides to get the basics right again. Captain? Yes, it's probably time for a change after an over-long Punter reign. Either Hussey or Haddin, men of grit and steel, would get the nod from me – if only for the next two years in order to get this Aussie ship back on an even keel.

Some final musings on the respective support enjoyed by the two teams will follow in due course.

England - not too shabby

"Are England always this good, Daddy?"

And so we face the final curtain – at least as far as my blog is concerned. Like the England and Australia cricket teams, I now plan to move on and focus on the shorter forms of the game – not in my case one day and Twenty20 internationals, but opening a Twitter account. But not before giving a final run-down of my views on the overall experience and the performances of the respective teams – starting with England.

I had the enormous good fortune that my trip coincided with an Ashes series when England fielded one of its strongest of modern sides and Australia one of its weakest. A 3-1 Ashes series win really was the icing on my Australian holiday cake.

Without a doubt, this was the best England fielding team I have ever witnessed – the catching, the chasing, the run-outs, the diving stops were simply outstanding. With the exception of Perth, the batting was superb too – two scores of 600 and a further two of 500 do not come along too frequently against any side – especially away from home and even more especially against the "old enemy". To complete a very rounded team performance, the bowling unit was surprisingly good too, demonstrating a consistency of line and length often lacking from England teams of the past and a strength in depth I for one did not anticipate.  If they could somehow eliminate the one match in every series when the batting collapses not once but twice, then this England side could yet fulfil its ambition of being rated the best in the world.

Andrew Strauss:  Generally excellent captaincy, with the exception of an apparent blind spot against free-hitting tail-enders (mainly named Johnson and Siddle).  Made some important contributions with the bat (once he stopped leaving straight balls) and always scored his runs very quickly. Well on his way to becoming one of England's most successful captains of all time.

Alastair Cook: Began the tour as the supposed weak link after a wretched summer, ended it being compared to Don Bradman and Wally Hammond....has there ever been a more complete reversal of fortunes? Handed out a master class in concentration and stamina, deservedly awarded Man of the Series for a colossal contribution to the series win.

Jonathan Trott: Enhanced his already considerable reputation with two mammoth innings at Brisbane and Melbourne. His brilliant run-out of Katich also set the tone for the first victory at Adelaide. Should be England's number 3 for years to come.

Kevin Pietersen: While I admit my drunken Adelaide eulogy was a bit over the top, his double century there was the stand out innings among the many highs for England batsmen. Made important contributions at critical stages in Melbourne and Sydney without progressing to bigger scores.

Paul Collingwood:  Possessed the self knowledge to quit while it was still his decision to do so. His most telling contributions this series were in the field – his flying catch to dismiss Ponting at Perth will live long in the memory. A long standing Barmy Army favourite, Colly will not be easy to replace.

Ian Bell: Finally added big match temperament to undeniable talent and produced arguably the best batting of all. Should get even better now the psychological hurdle of a first ton against Australia is behind him. Expect big runs from Bell in the next few years.

Matt Prior:  Brilliant attacking batting in Melbourne and Sydney combined with agile, reliable keeping to the quick bowlers. A couple of missed chances standing up to Swann did not prove crucial. Prior has cemented his place as an essential part of the England line-up.

Chris Broad / Tim Bresnan: Desperately unlucky to be injured in the 2nd Test, Broad was sorely missed at Perth where the balance of the side was disrupted. Bresnan's selection for the last two Tests proved to be inspired, as he proved to his doubters (myself included) that he could take top order wickets regularly as well as adding batting strength down the order.

Graeme Swann:  Produced a match winning performance at Adelaide, but was otherwise restricted to a modest haul of wickets by his own high standards. Nonetheless, his nagging spells were often instrumental to the success of the seamers operating at the other end.

Chris Tremlett / Steven Finn:  Tremlett's consistent performances in the final three Tests provided an unexpected plus – even his staunchest supporters cannot realistically have expected him to do quite so well. Finn continued to show enormous potential for the future (he is only 21) by picking up wickets regularly but it was right to rest him after a jaded showing in Perth.

James Anderson:  Now rightly acclaimed as one of the world's leading seam bowlers, his wicket haul was the highest in an Ashes series since the legendary Frank "Typhoon" Tyson. Rather oddly he never seems to bowl quite as well in his opening spell of a second innings but, in contrast to his earlier England career, he invariably came back strongly later on to take wickets with reverse swing.

Coaching and backroom staff:  Outstanding. The team led by the understated but ruthless Andy Flower out-prepared and out-coached the hosts by some distance. A complete turnaround from the Peter Moores era of chaos.

An assessment of the Australian team and its loyal - and not-so-loyal - supporters will follow shortly.

Rules and regulations - Australian style

In one of my Sydney posts, I implied that the security arrangements in place at Australia's cricket grounds may be considered a tad over-zealous.  I will attempt to expand on this theory below.

One thing I have learnt on this trip is that Australians are very fond of their rules and regulations. Given that I live in Germany, you may have thought that this would not unduly bother me, or perhaps that I would not even notice. Both fair points. Maybe it's because of the laid-back reputation of Aussies that I found myself so surprised by this aspect of life down under. 

The main practical problem with the security arrangements was that they were so different at each ground. Hence, having got used to one set of more or less draconian rules at, say, Adelaide, you then travelled to Perth and found a completely different set of regulations in place.

Here are some random examples:

- In Adelaide, it was forbidden to take an umbrella into the ground, presumably on the basis that it was offensive to South Australians to imply that it may rain during their summer (it did – very heavily)

- In Perth, I was not allowed to take an empty plastic water bottle into the ground, although a full one would have been fine and water fountains were provided within the ground for free refills

- In Perth, the security guards initially removed a middle aged Barmy Army supporter for wielding two small signs made of a dangerous cardboard-like substance and bearing the abusive slogans "AV IT" and "NO NONSENSE" (in this case, they relented ten minutes later)

- In Melbourne, standing up to cheer on your team very loudly seemed to be tolerated if you were a visiting English tourist with lots of Aussie dollars to spend but not if you were a local and wearing a conical green and gold hat (on second thoughts, this rule was fine)

- In Sydney, it was not permitted to wear a pair of sunglasses when queuing for a drink - indeed, a very strict lady was employed to ensure this did not happen and appeared to have no other useful function but this

- In Sydney, my Barmy Army friend Gabie was required to provide evidence of her age in order to buy a meat pie, even though the pie in question did not appear to contain any alcohol, drugs or tobacco

- Once again in Sydney, it was forbidden to purchase two lagers and one cider in the same round, even though you could buy up to four drinks of either variety at the same time – one could only conclude that there must have been some bad experiences with the illicit mixing of snakebites during play.

And would you believe, while I have been writing the above, Jayne has returned from some last minute shopping in Sydney airport and reported that she was required to produce her passport in order to purchase a jar of vegemite.

What's with all the crazy rules, guys?

Mission accomplished, enemy destroyed

A group of men dressed in white
hugging each other in a field

Sydney Day 5:  Australia 280 & 281, England 644. England win by an innings and 83 runs. BY AN INNINGS! FOR THE THIRD TIME IN FOUR TESTS!

We didn't spot many Australian fans at the SCG today. This was not surprising - you would have to be a peculiar sort of masochist to turn up to witness the last rites of this Aussie side (and most likely, the final day of the Test careers of some of its more prominent players).

Predictably, the Sydney Morning Herald ripped mercilessly into their cricketers after the latest horror show yesterday. Here's a selection of the grimmest headlines:

"After 135 years, 730 matches and 417 players, Australia have finally fielded.... our worst XI"

"An embarrassment of historic proportions"

"Clear the decks: Harvey wants Test clear out"

"Axe must fall: no room for Clarke, Hilfenhaus and Johnson"

"Can't bat, can't bowl, can't field and can't even think straight"

And that was just from one newspaper (though admittedly one which, in cricket-mad New South Wales, has to fill a challenging seven pages with Ashes cricket news alone). If the gloves were off after Melbourne, the local press is now armed with knives, swords, sub-machine guns and cutlasses clenched between their teeth.

The last headline has been bubbling under for most of the series and refers to the claim "can't bat, can't bowl, can't field" famously made by the Australian press when England's 1986/87 team began their tour with some ignominious performances in the pre-Test warm-up matches - this was of course the same England team which went on to defeat the Aussies and win the series down under, the last to do so before today. I learnt today that the same quote later became the subject of an Australian cricket scandal when a fringe player called Scott Muller launched a particularly wayward throw over the head of wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist. The quote, which was picked up by a TV microphone, was officially attributed to an errant cameraman but was believed by many to have been uttered by Muller's teammate, Shane Warne. Naughty boy, that Warnie.

I'm waffling on today about other stuff because there was not much cricket to report on. A heavy morning rain shower and some spirited tail-wagging by Steve Smith and Peter Siddle could only delay the inevitable for so long. When Chris Tremlett bowled last man Michael Beer at one minute to twelve, England's latest innings victory was complete....and with it the series by 3-1.

While the Aussies are now in a real mess, England can look to the future with huge optimism. To win an Ashes series away in Australia is a great achievement by any standard, to win three matches out of the last four played by the margin of an innings and plenty is simply outstanding. England fans should savour this moment, as we may never see its like again.

Saving the best for last

"Jimmy", Simon, Annabel and an urn

Sydney Day 4: Australia 280 & 213 for 7, England 644 all out. England need another 3 wickets to win.

Just when you thought this Ashes tour could not get any better from an English perspective, along came today.

Milestones and records tumbled at such a pace throughout the morning session that it was difficult to keep up with them all, as England extended their first innings total from an impressive 488-7 overnight to a gargantuan 644 all out. The highest ever score by any Test side at the SCG, the highest ever score by an England side in Australia, the second fastest hundred by an England player (the brilliant Matt Prior) since Ian Botham in 1981, the third century partnership in a row, the 300 lead, and so it went on. We also enjoyed a Mitchell Johnson over which went for 20 runs, mainly off the bat of Graeme Swann - not a record by any means, but just as enjoyable for another huge England-dominated crowd. Heady stuff.

As so often, Australia's reply started well enough with Shane Watson looking in fine attacking form. But out of the blue, both Aussie openers found themselves running towards the same end and Watson was run out by the length of the pitch. A schoolboy error of comic proportions, but it was no laughing matter for Australia.

After that, the England seamers' mastery of line, length and movement off the pitch ensured that wickets fell at regular intervals. By far the loudest cheer of the day was reserved for Chris Tremlett's first ball dismissal of Johnson - they must have heard that one in Melbourne. An England victory this evening was only denied by an effective counter-attack by Australia's eighth wicket pairing of Smith and Siddle, who comfortably survived the extra half hour to take the match into a fifth day.

Tomorrow morning, only three wickets stand between England and yet another innings victory, with Australia still 151 runs in arrears. A win would also seal a fully deserved series win for England by 3-1, their first in Australia for 24 years. It should be all over by lunchtime - let's hope the pubs and restaurants of Sydney are well stocked.